The Last Ever Musical review, The White Bear Theatre

If a musical that's a parody of a bad musical is so bad it's almost excruciating, is it a success or a failure? The answer continues to elude me 45 minutes after escaping from Simon James Collier's, The Last Ever Muscial.  The opening song sets the scene. Producer, Brian, needs his writer, Harriet, to change a feminist script she has written because the production is now being sponsored by a tampon manufacturer. We giggle. What rhymes work with hygiene, sanitary and applicator? We anticipate pithy lines, sharp feminist backbiting, and the costume drama of a period piece.

 No come back tour

What we get to complement Brian is Roxand (sic), a portly gay, tattooed, sadist composer in cowboy boots and shorts; Lovelace, a transgender woman director; and a middle-aged heroine. Only the lesbian writer of the piece, and the young girl auditionee berated for being ugly and having bad hair are, one assumes, having regular bleeds.

Given the feminine subject, there is no fondness for women in this musical about tampons; not one sympathetic or pleasant character.  Tampons are swung and sung around with no mention of vaginas or blood or menstrual cycles. There are no jokes either about the myriad things that go wrong when using and losing them. Indeed, there is no information imparted or story told. Without the context, how can they be funny?

In conclusion: Richard Bates' songs are delivered with gusto by an enthusiastic cast, and there's the occasional faux Hollywood dance routine, but the incoherent script, and its lack of wit or polish, makes one pull the cord on a musical that feels more like an end of year show by drama students than a serious work in its early stages.

References
The White Bear Theatre, Tickets

The White Bear Theatre, 138 Kennington Park Road, London SE11 4DJ   Run ends 7 September